It's all about ME
by Gurz
Summary: It's just another day for the arrogant M.D. The symptoms, diseases, tests, and other medical terms are researched. I used some lines from the TV series, as well as my own concoctions. Enjoy!


Teardrop

by Massive Attack

[complete House theme song]

Love, love is a verb  
Love is a doing word  
Fearless on my breath  
Gentle impulsion  
Shakes me makes me lighter  
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire  
Fearless on my breath

Nine night of matter  
Black flowers blossom  
Fearless on my breath  
Black flowers blossom  
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire  
Fearless on my breath

Water is my eye  
Most faithful mirror  
Fearless on my breath  
Teardrop on the fire of a confession  
Fearless on my breath  
Most faithful mirror  
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire  
Fearless on my breath

Stumbling a little  
Stumbling a little

**Cuddy: **Dr. House!

**House:** Cuddy -- the face that sank a thousand ships.

**Cuddy:** Do you hate me that much?  
**House:** No, I like you, or at least parts of you, but that's beside the point.

**Cuddy:** Why were you so late anyway?  
**House:**"I hurt my leg. I have a note.

**Cuddy:** Seriously, what's your excuse this time?

**House:**" Up late. Internet porn."  
**Cuddy:** It's either stay with your team instead of leaving them alone to their own devices, or go to the lobby NOW.

**House:**"Neither. There's a lotta sick people. I might catch something. And besides, there's a computer in my office. If I log on, romance will ensue. My wrist might fall off."

**Cuddy:** HOUSE . . . [threateningly sounding]

**House:** fine, I'm going not because of your nagging, but because I want to have fantasies about Cameron, and it's a lot easier if she's already in the room.

* * *

**Cameron: **It's ten in the morning. I was waiting for you! I am part of your team, and deserve some form of respect!

**House: **"Like I always say, there's no "I" in team. There's a "me" though, if you jumble it up."

**Cameron: **We need to diagnose this patient together.

**House:** You can think I'm wrong, and you can be mad at me for being tardy, but that's no reason to quit thinking.

**Cameron:** I am thinking!

**House:** Give me a break! I'm a cripple remember? At this point a blowup doll would be more useful; and yes, that's the first time I've implied something negative about a blowup doll.

**Cameron:** What's the plan, cripple?

**House:** I thought I'd get your theories, mock them, then embrace my own. The usual. Give me the 411.

**#13:** The symptoms include migraines, muscle weakness, visual problems, fatigue, chronic pain, difficulty standing, insomnia, depression, and gastroenteric difficulties. She also has cognitive impairment.

**House:** Everyone in America gets headaches now and again, and half of them are depressed. As for the cognitive impairment, not everyone is as brilliant as me. Hit me with your best diagnosis.

**Cameron:** You forgot to add that she dropped off of the swim team.

**House:** How is this relevant?

**#13:** She could have chronic fatigue syndrome.

**House:** Or she could be sick of her swim coach. He's a pervert.

**#13:** I thought it was anemia, but the patient tested negative for that.

**House:** I asked you what two plus two equals. A day later you tell me, 'Not twenty-five.' Does anyone have anything useful to add?

**Cameron:** There appears to be some clotting.

**House:** "Saying there appears to be some clotting is like saying there's a traffic jam ahead. Is it a ten-car pile up, or just a really slow bus in the center lane? And if it is a bus, is that bus thrombotic or embolic? I think I pushed the metaphor too far."

**#13:** We tested a sample of the blood and found high cholesterol levels.

**House: **Than give the girl a bowl of cheerios and blood thinners, and let her be on her way. Her usual diet consisted of Big Mac's and fries. Her arteries were coated with more plaque than children's teeth at Halloween. Atherosclerosis wouldn't cause any of the other symptoms. It was unrelated.

**#13:** I have a good idea. What about Lime Disease? It fits the symptoms.

**House:** You were doing better before you had a good idea.

**#13:** She has a rash. Maybe she needs to see a specialist.

**House**: Ah, a rash, call a dermatologist. If it's wet, keep it dry. If it's dry, keep it wet. If it's not supposed to be there, cut it off. I never could remember all that.

**Cameron: **There was no circle of inflamed skin or a tick bite.

**#13:** Symptoms of the disease could take months to develop. We should at least test for it.

**House:** Sorry. I already met this month's quota of useless tests. Besides, she isn't one of the people who go camping and get ticks. Put on some mascara and try again.

**Cameron**: What about sex?  
**House**: Well, it might get complicated. We work together. I am older, certainly, but maybe you like that.  
**Cameron**: I meant maybe she has AIDS.  
**House**: Heh, nice cover.

**#13:** Her immune system is extremely weak. She tested positive for a severe yeast infection of Canddida albicans, which is an opportunistic disease.

**House:** Thanks, but I don't need the biology lesson. In case you didn't know, I am a doctor. So the white blood cells got caught in the crossfire with a certain disease. It doesn't mean she has AIDS. It's probably poisoning due to drugs. Her immune system was fried as she got baked.

**Cameron** – You have no evidence to support a poisoning diagnosis.  
**House **– "Which is why it's going to be so cool when I turn out to be right." She's a teenager, kids have access to drugs, do the math!

**Cameron**: A brain tumor still fits the symptoms as well. It could cause pressure which leads to swelling and impairs higher functions of the cerebrum.

**House:** Fine, if you want to test for other petty diseases, get to work. "Run her for everything you can think of: lepto, schisto, hemo and the fourth Marx Brother nobody ever heard of. "You – Give her steroids to treat for lupus. You -- Get cervical, thoracic and lumbar T2 weighted fast spin echo MRIs in case it is cancer. And Cameron, just for you I'll see if our patient has AIDS. Before that, I'll get myself to a bar. I need at least 7 shots."

**#13** – It's too early to be drunk, and we've already got an MRI scheduled in an hour. Earliest we could get the machine.  
**House **– "I teach you to lie and cheat and steal and the second my back is turned you wait in line! Get them done now.

**#13:** [Turns on heels] I'm already halfway there.

* * *

**House**: [_Sees Cuddy as he's getting pain meds_] Oh, bite me!

**Cuddy: **"Where did you come from?"  
**House:** Apes, if you believe the Democrats. Osmosis if you believe in concentration gradients.

**Cuddy:**"Is that Vicodin?"  
**House:** "Breath mint. Thought you were going to kiss me."

**Cuddy:** "The only thing I hate more than a thief is a crippled thief."

**House:** That's discrimination

**Cuddy: **Are you ever NOT high?

**House**: The drugs don't make me high, they make me neutral.

**Cuddy:** You are so irritating.

**House:** I've never heard THAT before.

**Cuddy:**"You know there are other ways to manage pain."  
**House:**"Like what? Laughter? Meditation? You got a guy that can fix my third chakra?" Take me to a shrink and hypnotize my pain away?

**Cuddy**: If you would consider going to a shrink, I would pay for it myself. The hospital would hold a bake sale, for God's sake.

**House:** Arrogance has to be earned. Tell me what you've done to earn yours.

**Cuddy:** More than you have. [House leaves] Where are you going?

**House:** I'm going downstairs to browbeat a scared, dying teenage girl until she breaks down like a scared, dying teenage girl.

**House:**"Mr. Adams, would you step outside for a moment?"  
**Adams** :"Why?"  
**House**:"Because you irritate me. [Goes inside to see girl while father's jaw dropped.]

**Girl:** So is there any hope for me?

**House: **Thing is, hope's for sissies. I can only save you if you tell me the truth.

**Girl:** I wasn't lying.

**House:** I never said you were. You on the other hand have issues.

**Girl: **I don't have a problem!

**House:** Oh yes you do, and your biggest problem is I don't know what your biggest problem is. [sighs] You know, you can trust me. I'm a good secret keeper. I've never told anybody Wilson wets his bed.

**Girl: **The problem is if I can't trust you, I can't trust your statement that I can trust you. But thanks, you've been a big help.

**House: **"What turns you on? Casual sex? Rough sex? Casual rough sex? What drugs have you been frying your systems on? I'm a doctor, I need to know."

**Girl:** What?

**House:** AIDS fits the symptoms, and we need to test you for it. It would be a lot simpler if you just told us you had one so we could start treatment now.

**Girl:** I don't know. [_Girl cries_]

**House:** I'll take that as a yes.

**Mr. Adams:** What did you do to my daughter?

**House:** I'm treating her disease. Clarification. It's a beautiful thing.

**Mr. Adams: **Why I oughta . . . [goes after House]

**House:** [punches guy] If you try to beat up a cripple for fun, chances are you're not very strong.

[Walks over to #13.] Treat her for AIDS.

**#13:** I already tested her for it, and the results come back negative.

**House:** Well that sucks.

* * *

**Cameron**: I need to talk to you.  
**House**: From the doorway?  
**Cameron**: It's confidential.  
**House**: Cool. I love gossip.

**Cameron**: House, you have to get over yourself! I heard about what you did to that poor man!

**House:** You shouldn't believe everything you hear.

**Cameron:**"You assaulted that man!"  
**House: **Then again, maybe you should. [Cameron gives him a dirty look] Fine. I'll never do it again."  
**Cameron:**"Yes you will."  
**House:**"All the more reason this debate is pointless."

**Cameron:** I am so sick of your attitude!

**House: **Then it's a good thing you're in a hospital.

**Cameron:** You only try to 'save' people if they have baffling cases, and you don't care who gets hurt in the crossfire!

**House**: "I was curious. Since I'm not a cat, that's not dangerous; at least not to me anyway.

**Cameron:** You just an insufferable jerk who's trying to piece together a puzzle! Curiosity has nothing to do with it. You just like manipulating people!

**House**: To-MAY-to, to-MAH-to...

**Cameron:** Why can't you take me seriously?

**House**: Perseverance does not equal worthiness. Next time you want to get my attention, wear something fun. Low-riding jeans are hot.

**Cameron: **Why can't you grow up!

**House:** Because that would disrupt the natural order of things.[_Paused for a breather_]Let's stop talking about my vices, and focus on my virtues.

**Cameron:** What virtues? You avoid work like the plague, unless it actually is the plague, and when you do treat them, you almost push them past the breaking point!

**House**: I take risks, sometimes patients die, but not taking risks causes more patients to die - so I guess my biggest problem is I've been cursed with the ability to do the math. Am I the only one who noticed a trend? If no one does anything, sick people often get sicker.

**Cameron:** How can you sleep at night when you treat your patients so harshly? They're miserable!

**House: **Half the people I save don't deserve a second chance. In addition to that, someone's gonna be miserable sometime. Accept it. That's how I stay so happy. If we were to care about every person suffering on this planet, life would shut down.

**Cameron:** I know you're a jerk, but couldn't you at least for once follow the rules?

**House:** "Just a warning: if we have to start following procedures, then we have to get 'consent' every time we do a procedure, soon it'll be 'informed' consent they'll want, and usually parents are in a state of denial and don't believe that tests are necessary.

**Cameron:** The means don't justify the end.

**House: **Even if it means not diagnosing the disease? No matter what you say, I'll do what I always do in these situations. Treat my patient behind his back and make him better.

**Cameron: **You know regulations aren't just here to annoy you.

**House:** But they sure slow me down.

**Cameron**: You are aware of the Hippocratic oath, right?  
**Gregory House**: The one that starts, "First, do no harm", then goes on to tell us: no abortions, no seductions, and definitely no cutting of those who labor beneath the stone? Yeah, took a read once. Wasn't impressed.

**Cameron:** I give up on you.

**House:** Aw, and I've come to love your positive reinforcement!

* * *

**House**: [_sticking his head into an exam room_] Need a consult!  
**Wilson**: With a patient!  
**House**: Urgent doctor stuff.

**Wilson:** Talking to you is like trying to reason with a two-year-old.

**Gregory House:** That metaphor is absurd; I love it.

**Wilson:** Stop mocking me.

**House:** When you think about it, the more I mock you, the more it proves my respect for you.

**Wilson:** "I don't want to hear semantics."  
**House:** "You anti-semantic infidel."

**Wilson:** You are the most naïve atheist I've ever met."

**House:** "I'm not an atheist anymore. I'm a druid. Can't you tell?"

**Wilson**: Oh, this is where I give you advice and pretend you are going listen to it, I love this part.

**House:** I'm not too fond of it.

**Wilson**: You can't always get what you want.  
**House**: Well, as long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatever you want.  
**Wilson**: And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatever you want.  
**House**: So between us we can do anything. We can rule the world!

**Wilson:** I'm serious House. Stop wallowing in self pity. It is making everyone else miserable!

**House:** Treating illness is why we became doctors. Treating patients is actually what makes most doctors miserable.

**Wilson:** No, treating everyone like crap is making the doctors around here miserable.

**House:** Hey, I can be a jerk to everyone, even people I haven't slept with. I am that good. Best way to protect yourself from lawsuits. As a bonus, it's a pretty simple string of logic actually: you make people miserable, then they do what you want them to do, because then the misery goes away."

**Wilson: **You just do this so people can't stand to be around you.

**House:** How do you know your right?

**Wilson:** What have you done to prove me wrong?

**House:** Touché.

**Wilson:** You're hiding behind your cane. You try to avoid decent relationships.

**House****: **What are you talking about? Chicks dig this. [_waves cane_] It's better than a puppy!

**Wilson****: **I think your argument is specious.**  
****House****: **I think your tie is ugly.

**Wilson:**Stop getting off topic like always!

**House:**I can't because people don't change. For example, I'm gonna keep on repeating 'people don't change.

**Wilson:** You are so aggravating! Even I don't like you!  
**House**: Words can hurt you know.

**Wilson:** What was the purpose of interrupting me? I was dealing with a colonoscopy!

**House:** I'm sorry to have interrupted your frisky affair with a senior citizen, but I needed a break to clear my mind, and for relaxation purposes, I was going to badger you about your fling with the blonde nurse.

**Wilson: **How would you feel if I pestered you about your social life?

**House: **Not good which is why I so cleverly fail to have one. [House is paged] I've got to run.

**Wilson: **You can't run.

**House**: Nice. [_Finally limps to patient. On the way meets Cuddy]_

* * *

**Cuddy:** I tried calling you! Did you know your phone is dead? Do you ever recharge the batteries?"  
**House** – "They recharge? I just keep buying new phones."

**Cuddy:** [_rubbing her forehead_] Why can't you be more like Wilson?

**House:** He's a stool pigeon, I'm a night owl. We're two different species.

**Cuddy:** I have to leave now for a meeting, but I am still going to have a serious talk about your clinic hours when I'm done.  
**Dr. Gregory House**: You're leaving without commenting on my new cane? Guy in the store said it was slimming. Vertical stripe. [_hearing serious news about patient on phone_] Check it again. I'll be right there.  
**Dr. Lisa Cuddy**: What happened?  
**Dr. Gregory House**: Apparently I can save money by switching to AT&T.

* * *

**Girl:** I don't feel so good.

**#13:** You'll be fine. The MRI won't hurt a bit.

**Girl:** I still don't feel good. I can't move!

**#13:** You're not supposed to for an MRI.

**Girl: **No, I feel frozen!

**#13: **There's absolutely nothing to worry about.

**Girl:** [_choking sounds_] I _choke_ can't _choke_. . .

**#13:** [_Rushes over to patient_] Someone get me a nurse! She's not breathing. [Checks her pulse]Her heart has palpitations!

* * *

**House: **[_House arrives at the room._]Calling me as I was staring at Cuddy's body- not a good way to win my affections.

**Cameron:** You were wrong. She tested negative for marijuana, alcohol, and other drugs. Her heart is experiencing dysrhythmia, and she is having trouble breathing. She's on a ventilator now.  
**House: **Then she's abusing something else, like an over-the-counter med.  
**Cameron: **The 'something else' is scrambling her systems!

**House:**"Poach. Better metaphor.

**Cameron:** Any ideas Sherlock?

**House: **The meaning of life is not to guess the right answers, but to ask the right questions. Besides, bad ideas indicate an open mind.

**#13:** Let me rephrase that; any ideas relevant to this case? If we keep working like this at this rate, she won't have a life! Her other new symptom is transient paralysis. Maybe she does have lupus.

**House:** Ideas are not soda cans. Recycling sucks.

**#13:** Do you have any clever ideas?

**House:** No, but I have some good news. At least she's running out of organs to fail."

**#13:** We've gone over everything!

**House**: Yet we're missing something. Is there anything you previously left out?

**Cameron:** Her lymph nodes are tender and swollen due to the cold she can't seem to fight off. It's as if the police, the white blood cells, are on and extended break for donuts and-

**House:** Hey! I'm the one who does the metaphors! [pauses] Was she exhausted before or after #13's little rescue? [#13 scowls]

**Cameron:** Her energy levels were extremely drained before the attempted MRI.

**House:** Does she have a fever?

**Cameron:** She did-[interrupted by House]

**House:** It's a yes or no answer showoff.

**Cameron: **Don't talk like that to me!

**House:** Yes or no?

**Cameron: **Yes.

**House:** Then do a Lumbar Puncture to get me a sample of her cerebrospinal fluid, and test it for elevated levels of proteins and white blood cells.

**Cameron**: You've got to be kidding. No neurologist in his right mind would recommend that in her condition. She could die on the table!  
**House**: If I were kidding, I'd dress like you. Show of hands: who thinks I'm not in my right mind? Who thinks I would risk her life if I wasn't onto something? Who thinks there's a third option?

[_#13 raises his hand_]  
**House**: Very good. What's the third choice?  
**#13**: No idea. You just asked if I thought there was one.

**House:** [Sighs.] She had a serious virus infection a few years back according to her medical files. It triggered Myalgic Encephalomyelitis to ravage her body which causes fever fatigue syndrome, her earlier symptoms, and transient paralysis. Since she is barely alive and extremely drained, we can't do neuropsychological tests on her, and we can't get her off of the heart monitors to do an MRI.

**Cameron:** But she never had it before, and neither did her parents. How can you be so sure?

**House:** There's a first time for everything.

**Cameron:** What caused the ME to be so chronic?

**House:** Use your imagination! Allergens can cause ME to flare up. The worse the allergy, the worse the symptoms. Now we just have to find the source of her allergies to help prevent relapses. She also has to relax more and lay off of exercising.

**Cameron:** She just got a kitten for her birthday.

**House: **She'll learn to live without. I'm fairly certain it's better than dying with it.

* * *

**Cuddy:** House! Adams came this close to suing us!

**House:** So I was right.

**Cuddy:** He was in a rage!

**House:** But I was still right.

**Cuddy:** That's not the point!

**House:** Oh yes it is. The dad was mad because his kid was dying. It's understandable. Since she didn't die, he isn't mad anymore.

**Cuddy:** Luckily Cameron was there to calm him down and comfort him. She even got his consent to follow through with the procedure.

**House:** That's awesome. I gotta start pretending to care!

**Cuddy**: Yeah, you're all about nurturing.  
**House**: Do you need a hug? It will cost you.

**Cuddy**: You know you're lucky she didn't die, right?  
**House:** I'm lucky? She's the one who didn't die. If you need me, my phone's dead. I'm going to a bar. Don't wait up for me.


End file.
